fresh out

Sit back and try to make sense of it all,
you out there crashing into things
and me here chewing my nails,
flakes of old polish like red bloody gashes on my lips.
How did I go from “stay, baby stay” to crushed, lonely, so tired of it all?
How did you go from “I’ll always love you and be there for you, no matter what”
to this endless silence?
You even said that you’d be there even if we didn’t stay together-
I knew, like a guilty little kid, that we wouldn’t.
Did you really believe it?
Forever like a marzipan palace, like a Disney movie.
I wish I could ask you these things.
Instead I repeat them to the blank page on my computer screen,
Looking at your screen name that is “available”
I know that you aren’t available for me. That door got shut quickly,
And I’m trying to believe I wasn’t the one who shut it.
No amount of small talk will bring it back,
but that won’t stop me from trying.

Zut, zut et zut!
I thought I was through with all this.
I thought I was strong, moved on,
hardheaded woman of heart and mind,
beautiful and independent.
Turns out I’m not even close-
I’ve just gotten good at avoiding you.
I’m really just small and bruised,
in need of a hug and good long vacation from your memory.
There is no backbone here. Independence? Fresh out.